Chapter 69
“Do you have your safety plan in place. Kylan” James was still casual as he spoke, but Rylan knew him well enough to pick up on the slight edge.
has voice.
Kylan scoffed and shook his head bitterly. “I don’t
need a safe
a safety plan. James. I’ll be fine this year, he snapped at him.
“You’re never fine. At least have Ryan at the ready or even your new girlfriend,” James suggested, the edge to his vo
voice growing stronger.
Kylan paused at the mention of Katrina. He didn’t want to talk about her. Not while he was already struggling to maintain his mask of indifference. “You’ve read the news, then,” he deadpanned
“I follow you on your social media. Kylan,” James replied with a raise of an eyebrow.
Kylan shrugged, picking up his cup by the rim and forcing a bit of the hot liquid down his throat. It was fine, he supposed. Good enough to drink. anyway. It’s partly why they came to Ralph’s every year,
“How’s that going, by the way! I didn’t peg you as someone to ever want to date anyone else. The way he said it. It made Kylan feel cold. Far colder than December in New York could make him feel.
“James, let’s not. Kylan’s voice was low. Low and guarded.
“Why not You’re dating someone else. You’re happy, are you not, Kylan! You’re happy, and she’s dead. I don’t need to remind you why that’s partly your fault” James‘ words didn’t surprise Kylan, but they broke him all the same.
“If you came here only to talk to me like this, you can f*ck off I’m not interested in being blamed by you anymore. I already blame myself enough for the God damn both of us,” Kylan practically growled, his hands tightening around his cup.
James took a shuddering breath, closing his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again, he seemed a bit calmer. A bit more in control. “You’re right. Tim sorry. Kylan. I just. It’s going to be nine years, you know? Nine years without her. Nine years without. F*ck. It’s just almost ten, you know? Almost a whole decade Hs voice caught in his throat and Kylan frowned at him.
“I know,” Kylan agreed, his voice a shadow of a whisper.
“Tania has helped the last two years, you know? She has. But she’s not. She can’t be Yasmin. No one can be. Tears pooled at the comers of his eyes and trickled out the next time he blinked.
This was a bad idea, being here. Listening to James, when he was running on zero sleep and a f*ck ton of harbored feelings already.
“I’m glad you have Tania” Kylan responded honestly. It was true, absolutely true. When James started dating someone else, he felt nothing but relief Relief and elation that he had allowed himself to move on from Yasmin enough that he could be happy.
Kylan knew he would want James to be happy. He often wondered if Yasmin would want him to be happy, too. He figured he wouldn’t. Not in the end. Why would het
Kylan cleared his throat and shifted in his seat uncomfortably. He was too hot now Way too hot. “It’s supposed to snow again soon, you should make sure you have proper boots before trekking down Broadway, yeah” He could no longer meet James’s gaze, his mind filled with the ghost that tormented his conscious and unconscious form alike.
“Are you planning on going to her grave?” James asked softly, reaching our and placing a hand over one of Kylan’s.
Kylan jumped at the contact, gritting his teeth, and trying not to pull away. “I don’t know.” he admitted
“I’ll put some flowers down for you, just in case James squeezed his hand once and then withdrew. “Seriously though, how are things with your girlfriend? She’s gorgeous” He shifted the conversation and Kylan’s frown deepened.
“Probably F*cked that shit up, too, Kylan mumbled, running a tired hand down the length of his face.
“Oh, why do you think that! She seems in love with you. You can tell just from the pictures you share. James shrugged and drank the rest of his cappuccino
Kylan winced. “Tuh. It’s complicated. I’m fcked up. James. A lot of the time, that shit controls my life. There was no use lying to him. He knew better than most, just how f*cked up he really was
“Are you still too proud to try therapy?” James asked him, leaning forward on the table and looking at Kylan with raised brows.
Kylan snorted and shook his head. “F*ck that. I can barely open up to the people in my life, let alone a damn stranger,” he grumbled. “Sometimes, it’s easier to talk to a stranger, though,” James pointed out
“Maybe you’re right. But I don’t have time for that shit. Kylan drank his remaining tea and sighed. “It’s good to see you, James. You look like the happier one out of the two of us” He stood from his chair and James followed suit.
They walked out of the cafe together and then James paused near Kylan’s car. “Your safety plan, Kylan. Promise you’ll actually pur it in place this
2:59 PM
Chapter 69
year. Okay?” He sounded worried, far more worried than he deserved from James most of all.
“Till be fine, kid. Don’t worry about me,” Kylan brushed him off. “Tania’s waiting in the car like a f*cking creep?” he asked, pulling out his car key. from the depths of his pocket.
James rolled his eyes and shoved his shoulder. “Be nice, brother. She respects our privacy and she’s also scared of you,” he chuckled slightly.
The corner of Kylan’s mouth twitched into a smirk despite himself. “I’m happy for you, James. Really. He looked away from him, unable to meet his gaze while he spoke his mind.
“I know you are, brother. You know uh.. She would want you to be happy, too. She would want you to. To feel fulfilled.” James‘ voice was quivering, and Kylan didn’t need to look at him to know that he was crying again.
“Mmm. It was good to see you. Same time next year?” Kylan ignored the sentiment he shared with him, just like he always did.
He had a complicated relationship with James. The latter both simultaneously blamed him but also loved him. Kylan only loved James and hated himself. He hated that his relationship with James had been reduced to a once–a–year meeting to talk about their mutual dead. But it could never go back to what it was, Not when it was supposed to be three of them, and not two.
“Same time next year. But a safety plan, okay? Promise me, Kylan. Or I’m not leaving.” James demanded firmly, putting his hands on Kylan’s shoulders and twisting him until he was forced to look at her.
Kylan scoffed, gently pushing her hand away from his skin. “Yeah, okay. F*cking fine. Safety plan,” he agreed begrudgingly if only to get James off his f*cking back
“Don’t make me look up your girlfriend’s phone number, James threatened.
“You don’t need to do that, okay?” Kylan insisted, the last ounce of his already empty social battery falling away to nothing. “Now, go back to Tania.” He indicated to a silver sedan just down the road.
James glanced at the car and then at Kylan. He pulled out a small, square package from his coat pocket and shoved it toward him. “Happy early Birthday, brother,” he said with a small smile.
Kylan groaned, taking the present without really wanting to. “Yeah, yeah Thank you. Now I’ck off.” He unlocked his car and walked around to the
driver’s side.
James stayed on the sidewalk for a moment and then surprised the hell out of him by walking around and wrapping his arm around Kylan’s shoulder in a brotherly hug. Kylan stumbled: his eyes wide. James hadn’t been this brotherly to him since before Yasmin died.
He wrapped his arms around his waist, shocking himself further when he had to fight a sudden onslaught of warmth in his eyes. He didn’t realize how tightly he was hugging his younger brother. How much he had needed the hug from James.
*1 love you, big brother. Okay? Be safe.” James whispered in his car. “Be happy, okay? It’s been long enough. We both deserve to be happy. You deserve to be happy. I know it’s never been fair for me to blame you. I’m sorry I have.”
Kylan wasn’t prepared to hear all of this from him. Not today. Not now. He sucked in his breath and cleared his throat, peeling himself away from James carefully. “Drive safe, James,” he choked out, looking away from him as he got in his car.
James stood in the same place, smiling at Kylan and waving as he drove away.
The birthday present he gave him, sat on his passenger seat. Kylan already knew it would join the other presents James had gotten for him every
year.
In a black shoebox at the back of his closet, the only place in his home he allowed to collect any semblance of dust
